Obi-Wan is not a man of open affection, Anakin finds.
Perhaps because he still worries about their age difference, or perhaps because he still feels awkward 'pawing his former Padawan' as he once eloquently - and somewhat drunkenly - slurred.
Anakin has tried pointing out that he is old enough and mature enough and of sound mind; fully capable of making his own choices and decisions. But in his heart of hearts, he suspects that Obi-Wan is right to be concerned.
Because the truth of the matter is that his affection is born from familiarity. From moments of comforted pain and shared victory and Obi-Wan’s gentle understanding during all those times when Anakin struggled to make sense of his world and himself.
How many times, Anakin wonders, did Obi-Wan put aside his own needs, his own feelings, his own wants, to priortise Anakin's.
Well, there's the big one.
Anakin remembers it.
He sometimes wonders if that is the key to Obi-Wan’s introspection. The sudden shock of loss, the agonising realisation that depending on someone else can destroy your whole world when you're a Jedi.
But even then, Anakin remembers.
Remembers his victory over destroying the Trade Feseration ship, and then the dawning grief when Obi-Wan told him of Qui-Gon’s death. He remembers his fear of being sent back to Tatooine and Gardula, his confusion when Yoda arrived and spoke only of politics and work. Of what Obi-Wan had to do next, and not what he had already suffered.
Anakin knows better now. Jedi treat emotions like delicate glass, and work never ends for a Knight. He susepcts Yoda would have had private sadness for Obi-Wan. As he suspects that Obi-Wan would not have known how to react had Yoda not given him tangible paths to direct his roiling, distracted thoughts.
Because this is also something Anakin knows now - that Obi-Wan is only human, and not the wisest or greatest of Jedi Knights. He is not a pillar of stone, or a bastion of control.
Anakin has seen Obi-Wan break, has seen him confused and tired and dejected and angry. Has seen him beg - so prettily - his voice cracking as they move in the dark in a frenzied search for pleasure and closeness and relief.
But at the time, well, at the time Obi-Wan had been... everything.
Distracting, soothing, responsible, funny, understanding... the list is endless. And at night, when Anakin had missed his mother violently and feared this great big confusing galaxy, Obi-Wan had quite matter-of-factly curled up behind him in the bed they shared and let Anakin fall asleep to the sound of his regular, soft breathing. To the warmth of his hand and his chest. To security and care and protection.
And yet Obi-Wan now doesn’t do that.
Anakin wonders why.
Wonders when Obi-Wan began to think that simple human contact was unnecessary. Or worse, that it was... somehow impure.
Anakin struggles with this until the night he wakes suddenly to find Obi-Wan gone from their bed.
And it is enough that he has taught himself to hear the affection in verbal sparring, has taught himself to see validation in the way Obi-Wan puts others before him.
Anakin storms out expecting to fight or break, only to find his lover in the star map room.
This is the night that Anakin realises that he is very, very right. And very, very wrong.
Obi-Wan *is* reticent about presuming too much on Anakin's love. And he *has* been badly hurt once before when he found that depending on one person could destroy his whole world.
But even as Anakin wraps his arms around his lover, he realises that it has been very many years since Naboo, and the child who needed Obi-Wan to put aside his own mourning has grown up.
And maybe, can now give back some of the distraction, soothing, responsibility, fun, understanding.
He leans against the wall, Obi-Wan sitting in the 'v' of his legs and leaning back against his chest, and he buries his nose in copper hair, closing his eyes to better feel the tired, worn dejection in the Force.
But it begins to fall away as he radiates comfort and care. And then Obi-Wan says something and he replies.
And the words aren't important - caustic and casual as they are - the tone is. The context is. The *unspoken* is.
And he feels his lover calm, and then he feels him relax, and then he feels him give in.
Give in, give up, give out - he's not sure.
But Anakin knows the moment when Obi-Wan lets himself accept the cuddle. Leans back into it. Soaks it in like a sponge. Like a starving man.
Around them, the stars of this great big confusing galaxy swirl.
FILL: Obi-Wan/Anakin cuddling (sorry, not as light and fluffy as I originally meant it to be)
Obi-Wan is not a man of open affection, Anakin finds.
Perhaps because he still worries about their age difference, or perhaps because he still feels awkward 'pawing his former Padawan' as he once eloquently - and somewhat drunkenly - slurred.
Anakin has tried pointing out that he is old enough and mature enough and of sound mind; fully capable of making his own choices and decisions. But in his heart of hearts, he suspects that Obi-Wan is right to be concerned.
Because the truth of the matter is that his affection is born from familiarity. From moments of comforted pain and shared victory and Obi-Wan’s gentle understanding during all those times when Anakin struggled to make sense of his world and himself.
How many times, Anakin wonders, did Obi-Wan put aside his own needs, his own feelings, his own wants, to priortise Anakin's.
Well, there's the big one.
Anakin remembers it.
He sometimes wonders if that is the key to Obi-Wan’s introspection. The sudden shock of loss, the agonising realisation that depending on someone else can destroy your whole world when you're a Jedi.
But even then, Anakin remembers.
Remembers his victory over destroying the Trade Feseration ship, and then the dawning grief when Obi-Wan told him of Qui-Gon’s death. He remembers his fear of being sent back to Tatooine and Gardula, his confusion when Yoda arrived and spoke only of politics and work. Of what Obi-Wan had to do next, and not what he had already suffered.
Anakin knows better now. Jedi treat emotions like delicate glass, and work never ends for a Knight. He susepcts Yoda would have had private sadness for Obi-Wan. As he suspects that Obi-Wan would not have known how to react had Yoda not given him tangible paths to direct his roiling, distracted thoughts.
Because this is also something Anakin knows now - that Obi-Wan is only human, and not the wisest or greatest of Jedi Knights. He is not a pillar of stone, or a bastion of control.
Anakin has seen Obi-Wan break, has seen him confused and tired and dejected and angry. Has seen him beg - so prettily - his voice cracking as they move in the dark in a frenzied search for pleasure and closeness and relief.
But at the time, well, at the time Obi-Wan had been... everything.
Distracting, soothing, responsible, funny, understanding... the list is endless. And at night, when Anakin had missed his mother violently and feared this great big confusing galaxy, Obi-Wan had quite matter-of-factly curled up behind him in the bed they shared and let Anakin fall asleep to the sound of his regular, soft breathing. To the warmth of his hand and his chest. To security and care and protection.
And yet Obi-Wan now doesn’t do that.
Anakin wonders why.
Wonders when Obi-Wan began to think that simple human contact was unnecessary. Or worse, that it was... somehow impure.
Anakin struggles with this until the night he wakes suddenly to find Obi-Wan gone from their bed.
And it is enough that he has taught himself to hear the affection in verbal sparring, has taught himself to see validation in the way Obi-Wan puts others before him.
Anakin storms out expecting to fight or break, only to find his lover in the star map room.
This is the night that Anakin realises that he is very, very right. And very, very wrong.
Obi-Wan *is* reticent about presuming too much on Anakin's love. And he *has* been badly hurt once before when he found that depending on one person could destroy his whole world.
But even as Anakin wraps his arms around his lover, he realises that it has been very many years since Naboo, and the child who needed Obi-Wan to put aside his own mourning has grown up.
And maybe, can now give back some of the distraction, soothing, responsibility, fun, understanding.
He leans against the wall, Obi-Wan sitting in the 'v' of his legs and leaning back against his chest, and he buries his nose in copper hair, closing his eyes to better feel the tired, worn dejection in the Force.
But it begins to fall away as he radiates comfort and care. And then Obi-Wan says something and he replies.
And the words aren't important - caustic and casual as they are - the tone is. The context is. The *unspoken* is.
And he feels his lover calm, and then he feels him relax, and then he feels him give in.
Give in, give up, give out - he's not sure.
But Anakin knows the moment when Obi-Wan lets himself accept the cuddle. Leans back into it. Soaks it in like a sponge. Like a starving man.
Around them, the stars of this great big confusing galaxy swirl.
And they have each other.